Designer SPAM…

So, I know everyone gets spam emails, but designers get very specific spam email! This one has been circulating amongst designers for a while and I was just beginning to feel left out when, lo and behold, THIS appeared in my inbox…

I feel it is my duty as a designer to point out some glaring problems with Mary and her design sense – not to mention her spamming IQ…

Here is the email I just received:

Hi,I'm Mary,I saw your contact on houzz  I need an interior decorator to do styling (staging) of items we have just ordered in our new house. A Little about me my name is Mary Davis,I attended Texas School for the Deaf where i achieved my highest qualification. I have my own business (Self Employed). I attend the catholic 36yrs and i am hard of hearing ....my younger brother lived with us his name is Steve here's #469 532 5760 he is always available  just in case you want to call. I work based on the development and counseling of the deaf people in the community, I'm married and I have a two boys 7 months baby and 3yrs Sam. My husband is a Software Developer and System Engineer, We are in the process of relocating to Massachusetts with my husband who based in London, UK he just secured a good job here and he's to resume on October 30th, 2017.

House description:-

Primary Style :Mediterranean-Modern

Living Area:3,877 sq.ft.   Width: 70'

Bedrooms:3 ,  Baths: 3,  Half Baths: 1

Foundation: Slab Depth 123' 4"

We have ordered for the furniture and home appliances, so all we need you to do is to make use of our supplies to do the interior decorating (furniture and electronics layout, artwork placement, kitchen utensils placements etc) once the orders are delivered. I do not have the floor-plan yet but I will try and get it soonest. Below are the items my husband ordered, I'll see if I can get the rest to you but these are the major ones:

Belmont Twelve Light Chandelier -3

Curtain Panels -5

Floor Pillow – 2

Window treatments – 3

Rug for living room 5' by 6' in size – 1

Collage wall hanging picture frame – 2

Traverse Semi-Flush Ceiling Fan - Brushed Steel 2

Maroneia TV Stand -1

3 Piece Coffee Table Set – 1

Chair and Ottoman Set – 1

5 Piece Dining Set – 1

Diamond Upholstery Panel Bed- 2

Duvet Set – 3

2 Piece Bath Rug Set

Cookware Sets

Bath linens and mirrors

The paintings have been done so you don't need to worry about that.  Where is your location or city? and I would like to know how much you are Willing to charge for your services and if you accept certified check for payment. I would appreciate it if you can get back to us soonest because we really want things sorted before our arrival.

I look forward to your response soonest.

Thanks

Mary Davis

Dear (man somewhere other than the UK, writing as) Mary,

First of all, I’m so glad you clarified that having your own business meant you were self-employed. And, while totally irrelevant, I’m curious about just what “attending the catholic 36 yrs “ entails. Also, why is your brother Steve ALWAYS available – I mean really, always? Overall, a bit TMI on the background info, Mary, but since I am also self-employed and have my own business, I feel like we have a common bond already!

Second, the house style of Mediterranean-Modern isn’t really our thing here in New England.  Actually, I’m not sure it’s even a thing in the Mediterranean, but anything’s possible! However, I know in the unlikely event we build on a slab foundation here in the northeast we want to be below the frost line, but a slab depth of 123' 4" is about 119 feet below the frost line which seems a bit excessive and makes me wonder what might be buried in the concrete…

Finally, with regard to the list of what your husband ordered that you sent; Here are a few observations and some constructive feedback on his choices:

Wow! 3 identical huge chandeliers for…what room…the ballroom perhaps? Since you provided a name, I researched this light fixture and it is 43” high and 37” wide. I am hoping you have REALLY high ceilings in the ballroom. I’m so-so on the brushed steel ceiling fans, but I’ll reserve judgement until you clarify what rooms they are going in.

Also, not to nitpick here, but in a 3 bedroom house I would expect more than 2 ½ windows…or at the very least an even number of curtain panels since generally you need 2 per window. I’m beginning to wonder about the wisdom of letting your husband, the Software Developer and System Engineer, place the order for the furniture and supplies. I do also see 3 window treatments listed…is this in addition to the 5 curtain panels? Maybe there is hope for some privacy in most of the 3 ½ bathrooms, at least.

As to the 5 piece dining set; by definition, a dining set HAS to include a table. That leaves 4 chairs, which begs the question, WHERE IS STEVE GOING TO SIT? I guess he can have a chair until the baby gets bigger.

And okay, can I be frank here? If this 5’ x 6’ rug is going in the same room with the 3 mega chandeliers, I’ve got to tell you that letting hubby order this stuff was a HUGE mistake…this is going to be WAY undersized for that room…unless, of course you are planning on using it for goat yoga or something and need plenty of floor space for the mats. Goat yoga is a new trend here in New England and you seem like a trendy kind of gal, Mary, so we’ll go with that. I have to assume that the sole listed upholstery pieces of "chair and ottoman set” go in this room as well, so this is the rug for the chair and ottoman in the goat yoga ballroom. Clearly. Also it is the only chair to sit in for TV watching, or maybe goat yoga watching, I guess it could serve both purposes. Dual purpose furniture is really critical in a modern minimalist space.  I have helpfully researched the TV stand you named (with the mysteriously absent TV…you know it doesn’t come with one, right?). This stellar piece of particle board minimalism needs assembly. Is your husband handy? Or perhaps your brother who is ALWAYS available? And while you don’t indicate the size of the 2 collage frames, these could certainly personalize the space and serve as inspiration if filled with candid shots of the goats during yoga. The 2 floor pillows are a surprising detail when the only seating in the house seems to be 4 dining room chairs and the goat yoga chair and ottoman set. Maybe you are going for that Mediterranean-modern minimalist vibe. Do these floor pillows go with the 3 piece coffee table? Or do the coffee tables go with the chair and ottoman? It seems a bit much for all that on the undersized rug. I’m confused. Are you hosting Japanese tea ceremonies in the ballroom? You might want to rethink that if you insist on using the ballroom for goat yoga…it could get messy.

Regarding the bedrooms, there are only 2 beds listed. Apparently one of those kids isn’t getting a bed…maybe the small one can sleep on a floor pillow…and what about Steve? You know, always available brother Steve, where is he sleeping? I hope your husband is better at math than it appears. He bought only 2 beds, but 3 duvet sets. And, I might point out, ZERO pillows (unless we count those 2 floor pillows, but I think we have used those in too many places already – there is a limit to how multifunctional a piece should be). And again with the math problems. 3 ½ baths with 2 bath mats. Are you planning to run them back and forth between bathrooms? Perhaps you can train the goats to ferry them about…

Well, I AM glad you will be able to cook, at least. I know you wanted me to specify placement of the kitchen utensils, so I will tell you straightaway that I think the cookware sets should go in the kitchen. And apparently you plan to eat right out of the pans with your fingers since you don’t mention any dishes, or flatware. This will certainly save time on cleanup and I’m sure that 3 yr old Sam will really enjoy this sort of dining experience. It’s so important for toddlers to have tactile experiences as part of their learning.

I see you have also ordered bath linens and mirrors. Is this in addition to the two bath rugs? Because maybe I judged you too harshly there – this catch all could possibly include another bath mat. And I’m so glad you thought to include bath linens and mirrors because you are going to need them after the immersive dining experience and all that goat yoga!

I look forward to seeing the floor plans for this intriguing project as soonest as you have them!

Best,

Janet

Scamming anyone is bad, but this is so badly done it's just hilarious!  As I was reading it I was formulating all the  responses to the absurd contents and thought it would be fun to share - enjoy!